as I take it at herein I will thank the Lord for giving me warning in the raines also teach me in the nights psa 10.7 another time: for good motions* slipt too suddenly for \in/ my perseverance\ing in them/ to doe them) In my bed. I had this meditation of my rest. thinking of death. I found my nature neerely linked to my fathers. weeping to think if I should lose him. as I did of my owne death thinking how they would manage for me but if it should so be I desire they may be comforted as my selfe have bene if my friends should lose me. herein I found my affections to fear the lose of my frinds more then my owne life (which I have often found in my heart to venter so that I might doe them good especially of my fathers) (Lord though knowest my thoughts travill for him) herein I found these affections unprofitable save I was furthered with a the 29 yere better hope. I then thought of my owne death. and that it was most necessary to looke to looke to my owne waies. calling these saying\s/ to mind let a man try \himselfe/ and [I cor 11.28. 313] Let us search and try our waies [? C?? 3.40] examine himselfe. withall thinking that selfe murther was the worst. for I might undoe my own soule by omission of good. I therefore determined to men\d/ my selfe. and to make my waies I thought in mourning [to] think of my friends death was vaine. I now saught to turne my afflictions a more profitable way to in being more earnes to pray for them [while] they [live] also thou stirrest me often to pray for my father in thinking it may rebound to my selfe by cause of thy blessing thy [childrens children] more perfect. that I might be fit for a better life. con-sidering the unsertanty of death. I found this to be pleasing to thee my God. and also to my selfe. and then I thought if my selfe were bettered. my praires would be more available for my friends. whom I beseech thee to Blesse with all graces in this life which may fit them for a better. that they may glorify thy Name in all vertuous conver-sation. and Godly living for this is the best I can wish them. herein I was strengthened that my desires was accepted before thee. and that by this duty I should unburthen my selfe of care, also thou quickenest me to thy Service or this often comming to my mind by this. all that thy hand shall find to doe. doe it withall thy power. for there is neither worke. nor inven-tion nor knowledg nor wisdom in the grave whether thou goest. \Ecc 9.10/ and besides the meanes which I have of Bookes. thou callest unto me by thy word preshed in thy house of praier that I should embrace those good motions. and now of late \at last/ was imboldened by the sight of S Austi con and afore by Mr King lectur remember the lord and give him thankes. [lect] 28 ⁹⁷ and by the cure of cares to [ex][amine?] my life whereby I confessed unto thee and now Sing to thy Name o most high and tho some may suppose that medetation of these thing to proseede from malancoly yet thou my God art my witnes how holsome I have them to me or how wholsome I have found the sound Doctrine of his word. Isai 2.12.13 and thy fear Lord hath brought that comfort with it that of all other things I need not be afeared

Now in that time as now it did somthing grieve me (as reson taught me well it might) to find the sorrow for my friends prevaile more with me. then sorrow for offending thee. my \[Lord]/ God therefore I desire as S Augustin that I may weepe now for the displeasure of my God then for the stripes of his displeasure Give me a watering fountaine and a cleare fountaine (which may be most \[illeg]/ out of love to thee) wherein this defiled soule may be clensed⁹⁸ according as thou thinkest best for to desire much (sorrow for sin) I feare I should offend. for one maketh mention as I take it of M luther that desired it so much that he found it hurtfull to him "in the soules conflictto his death. the desire of S Austin hath often run in my head who saith. S Aust praiers psal 14[8.16?] teach me to aske those things thou mayest grant.⁹⁹ I now rather say with the psalmist (which I +suppose S Austin ment) teach me to aske or doe I thought not my selfe which [that?] was in no quiet till I had begun this and per[sev]red in it I many times [feeling?] cooldnes to mee my God espetially before I began this for since I have bin heated yet still many time I have used these words. give unto my hart to desire thee. in desiring to seeke thee. in seeking the thing that pleaseth thee. for this is more perfect for many times we aske those things which thou doest grant. and yet they are hurtfull for us. therefore I say with the same father take from me all hurtful things and grant what is behovefull. Yea give me that which is pleasing to thee. and profitable to my Soules health in praiers* of men I have /somtimes\ asked some /those\ things unawares which I did not soe rightly conceive of. till to my owne disadvantage I have found: therefore I have the more admired and loved. that most most absolute forme of praier which thy Son hath taught us. as I have also thought most \w/holsome those petitions of the psa-mist David and other forme of words to the like purpose on the holy writ. also those words have often bine in mind At this time I arrived to the better understanding and [love?] [of?] the Lords praier [under][standing of Daniels?] writing unto David \psa [103? or 133?]/ [illeg.] [when he] saith awake violent harper. I will awake early so we need or must use Earthly Blessings and all litle enough to [stur] us up [to thy] service Even Lord I desire to delight in all the waies whereby my hart might be inflamed [towar]ds thee and to avoid what might steale away mine hart from thee I \of/ which joy for thee saith joy doth [oyle? the?] shackles of the soul if it move [alacrity and vigour] to serve thee whereas sorrow doth make [it lazy?] I was the more stirred to rejoys in thee for the thing[s] of this life which [seeing?] and good [oft times?] in my [Aunt?] [Denton?] who acknowledged thy blessings my God with thankfullnes and cheerefullnes to [thee?] for them [illeg.] shew me thy waies O Lord. and teach me thy paths. lead me foorth in thy truth and teach me. for thou art the God of my salvation. \psa 25.4.5/ I now many times finding my dullnes to thee and fearing to offend thee in not esteeming the Blessings of this life I have left out in saying of some praiers of men those petitions which have bine against all earthly delight. for I have considered thou mayest justly many times take thy Blessings from us because we know not how to use them. for either we love them to much, or else doe not esteeme of them as we should. therefore I desire of thee my God that thou wouldest grant me the true use of them that I may as count of them as thy gifts seeing the more praise and thankes with cheerfullnes may be rendered to thee for them yea I have found thy curses upon those which does not serve thee with joyfullnesse. and with a good hart for the aboundance of all things. \Deu 28.4.7/. Salomon tho he considered all is vanity under the sunne, yet saith it is good to rejoyce in ones labour and in the things of this life for it \[was?]/ is the portion which thou hast given us* under the sun \Ecc 3.13.22/ and tho somtimes with carlessnes I have not bene so thankfull as I might have bine for things of this life. yet it hath beaten off some covetious desires in me with thinking of thy liberalty towards me whereby I have \bene/ stirred to praise thee. but especially I rejoyce and praise thee for thy more immediat speciall Blessings which thou hast created after thine own image my Brothers children which thou art now pleased to lend unto me (after the death of my Sisters those companions of my life which were deare to me) for from being little my selfe I loved children /ever\ since I read that place \Mat 17. Luk 9.17/ whosoever receiveth \of/ such little children in my Name receiveth me. Thus wee may use Also [X] hast said take [heed] that ye offend not one of these litle [ones] [thos that] find thee, in finding [thee we] love [thee] and no more return to the [king] of my old waies of sinneing S Aust prairs ¹⁰⁰earthly Blessings as after \one/ whereby our minds may be elevated to thee in heaven by these words of Bradford that Blessed Marter of thine. [if] \thou/ God have given here so many good things ¹⁰¹