And Now for her lose I was as one having a great wound astonished till after I had more feeling of my sore. and my heart as freshly bleed or relented venting it selfe at the cundits of my eies. when often I called to mind her many sufferings. and loving words unto me. and I was very ready of sencering my selfe. for want of so I could not serve thee with the alacritie and vigur as I should performing all duties and love unto her. But a good while after this when I found in what state my selfe was and that my owne sorrow made me to reject or uncapable to receive or embrace that blessed comfort which thou requierest. and that my owne griefe delighted to be feed with those thoughts which did and my wound was ready afresh to bleed with any afflection Judy was ill nourish it. I therefore for cure of this being sorry lest I had offended thee resolved to put out of my hart all those thoughts which caused me to relent. and which [w]ere out of and to put out of my hart those things which now /then\ I could not helpe foolish pittie seeing they did her \no/ good. but my selfe hurt, then I thought to forgett her would not doe so well. whose vertues deserved rememberance. and after when those thoughts of her miserie /from her birth\ cam into me I called to mind I had much more which I thought I might with joy and comfort call to mind reason to rejoyce to think of them then to be sorry. considering her greater happines for them. and her owne speeches to me whereby I verely beleeved I shall have the greater joy for being also as I take it to this time I was still apt to [relent] thinking of my owne misery but now I have beared the contrary. this a while I t after pertaker of her misery; some words of consolation I gathered for my selfe and conserning this. whereby I was satisfied (towards the begining of my Booke also* I had craved pardon of thee wherein I had bine faulty in offending her or for not not performing all good offices to her. againe I thought I ought to rejoyce and to praise thee for that care and pittie which I had of her as if she had at this time the Sicknes it weared much at London. wee kept a fast and went to church I knit me a pare of hose bene my child. and for useing \those/ many meanes which I did for her health which I acknowledge as of thy goodnesse and not of my selfe) which did put into me to be so. I hereing my Sister relateing to me divers times of the joy she hath bine in. and or as I have thoughtas \it/ were seeing glorious sights. since her death I desired I might be comforted with some glimps of such glory since I have found [S Aust] writeth against this temp[tation] of god Con. B10. c35 I wish I had it afore yet I praise for now inlightening me and beseech thee to pardon my foolishnes in my dream or sleepe by night. yet have I partly bene afeard to aske it hav-ing no warentable ground for it (in this and other carnall desires. wee aske as the Apostle James saith and receive not because wee aske a misse*) yet herein I satisfied my selfe in not having my desire. that /[thou?]\ God doth better for us divers times. in not granting our request for he knoweth and I considered not my Sisters great humiliation by afllictions therefore her consolation was great our owne nature better then our selves. being to apt to be puft up. and besides if wee shoud see any part of that immor-tall glory it might make our flesh impatient of this pilgrimage which thou Lord hast aloted for us.

Now calling to mind the same sinne which I commited after purpose of amendment I thought to /have\ kept backe from the Sacrament as and as he said if I should leave [striving] to serve God it would be according to the prove[rb] over shoos over boots wfore so I should be the worst unworthy of it. but that my hope was to be bette\r/d by it. I should have bine too dull with the consideration of my owne unworthynesse if I had not bine exorted to it by a sermon of Doctor preson s which I happened to here my When I was at worke [on] a cap for my father Sister \Isham/ read. the text I take it was this I sam 12.20 yea have indeed done all this wickednesse. yet I wrot /[small]\ nedleworke and bon[ela][ce] depart not from following the Lord.*

my Sisters father being ill she went to him my Brother and she after stayed in Sufolke with my Aunt there children were here I drew and wrot pictures and tho I liked some picktures of our saviour well yet I thought he was farr better /therefore\ my mind would not suffer me to doe any of him or any other pickture tho I liked it never so much which I thought might be the 28 yere abused by any to worship. that wee should not be adicted to the bodily presents but seeke those things which are above these places will verifie 2 cor v.15. John 20.17. Col 3.1.2

my Aunt Denton cam and my B and S about Mikelmas Now when I called to mind the knowledge that thou gavest me of thee not onely by the hearing of the eare in a most plentifull maner. but also causest me more evidently to feele thy goodnesse and power towards me by speaking to my inward part whereby thou causest me (in my distresses) to feele what thou art unto mee. I therefore thought I ought to be most carfull to serve thee in a pure holy maner. but though I had somtimes these or it was not in my power so much as I ought flaches of duty what I should doe yet they tooke not roote deepe enough in me but these thoughts slipt too quickly from me it not being in my power to performe them as I ought And now after my prosperitie in which I thought I should never be moved because thou Lord of thy goodnes hadest made my mountaine of faith to stand strong. but thou diddest hide thy face and I was troubled \psa 30.6/ upon the reading of Dubertus in a place reasoning with an Athest⁸⁴ as I take it for I doe not* well remember the words, tho it was now the second time \it was/ I read the booke I liked it so well. neither was I troubled with reading the place afore. which doth \[ever]/ make me take the fault or weaknes to be of my selfe /rather\ then any hurt of the Booke (which since I have found some places to maintaine the truth of the diety) it came questioning into my mind of the truth of God seeing many would show a reason in nature for \almost/ every thing. this temptation came many times unto me