signe of detestation of \that/ evill; and my sister who imagined what I ailed (when she \was/ som-thing better) said she praied for me. O Lord thou hast searched me out. and knowen me: thou knowest my downe sitting, and my uprising. thou puttest my feete in the stockes. and lookest narrowly unto all my wayes Job 13.27 [19.6. bc] thou un-derstandest my thoughts long before. Thou art about my path, and about my bed: and spiest out all my wayes, For low, there is not a the 22 yere word in my tongue: but thou O Lord knowest it altogether etc psa 139 somtimes I was tented that there was no evill in thought \or/ as the papil term, it a venial sin which are very littel then thought I wherefore am I thus tempted and called to mind our Saviours saying wherefore think yea evill in your harts \Mat 9.4/ also I found by experiance that when I had yeeded* I was ready to fall from one mischiefe to another and so unto desparation which would have bine \worse/* with me. but that I had experiance of my mothers affliction afore and was so well as I thought my selfe furnished with comfort. and if I had broke my mind to any. I thought they for those which I chanced to here preach or speeke of this afliction aforded me not so much comfort as I already had could not aford me more then I inwardly felt (or knew what to doe) for in the multitude of the sorrowes \or thoughts/ which I had in my hart thy comforts (Lord) refreashed my soule, \psal 94.42/ and divers times upon the first opening of the Bible I found this place \Esay xl. 29.30.31. verses/ They that wait upon the Lord shall and as thou gavest me faith to believe in thee. and hope to call upon thee. so thou gavest me by this time charity I praying for the poore. not being able otherwise to helpe them for this was a deare yere and wheate was at 10 shillings a [strike] and in some places [illeg.] at iv. renue there strength: they shall lift up the wings, as the eagles: they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walke and not faint. also these sayings came to my* \mind/ we have not an hie priest, which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities but was in all things tempted in like sort, (yet without sinne. etc for in that he suffered and was temted he is able to succour them that are tempted. \heb 4.15. 2.18/ againe God is faithfull who I cor 10.13will not suffer you to be tempted above that you are able but will even give the issue with the temtation that ye may be able to b\e/are it: also I was not much troubled in company. but lest of all when I was with him who cam to me, I remember but once in any extremity when I cryed a litle out, (which he might have taken for the passon of love though it was a contrary to human \affection/*) another time he fell into discourse of my mother and asked me if she was not tempted. and speeking of her sicknes asked me of my health, but I said litle, for I thought there would have bine a doe if I confessed what I ailed and besids I thought I knew as much to help my selfe herein I p\r/ay thee to pardon my prid for I might have had more comfort or helpe then I was aware of as any could tell me. for I was not troubled with any point of Religion but onely thus strongly tempted. which I knew was by God's permishion and that it was his triall of me. though that wicked one was the instrument of my evill, yet God would turne it to \my/ good. therefore I was assured he would helpe and deliver me in his \way/ good time. thought somtimes my faith wavered and I thought it was almost im-possible to be this towards the latter end of my trouble [at] this th[at] freed from those manifold temtations yet neverthelesse I \[hoped?]/ trusted in thee Lord. And when I could /understand\* no hope of comfort. or thought my strength and my hope is perished from the Lord [Lam 3] for I thought in my too mu[ch] yeelding I had lost my selfe yet then I should be tempted to be more rebellious both and for a space of time felt no difference betwext my selfe and a reprobate yet I shortly after called upon thee. for there is not that custome. that bindeth ingratitude and locketh impenitancy that [b]arreth it up in the Godly. as in the wicked. Mr King lecture 27. for though they lay downe there hope they tooke it up a gaine I think of psal 23.3. in thought and action against God for sending me this grieveous triall. yet then Lord thou assistest me with the saying of Job though thou kill me yet will I trust in thee, and make my waies more pure in thy sight, so waiting thy leasure to comfort,