I longed to see him. that he might have cleared himselfe of that asspertion which was cast upon him, which might* be faulse in regard,* that I knew he was falsely accused of a matter before, but in the time which I thought might breed ra-there reconciliation then further distance, I hard a friend of his should aske if I had heard somewhat against him, this made me jelous that it was true which I had heard before. Now some would have had me sent. or written to him but I thought a womans /safty\ consisted more in being sought to then to seeke which was his pa[rt] and if he had not so much love I desired him not besids I heard he should say some words against my father. and I answered I had rather he had spoken against me (for that I might have forgiven it he should have sought after to me) but then I could not tel how to speake to my father for him because he had spoken against him, and though out of his tendernesse towards me* my father* said (as I was told by one) that he would have sought after them. and yeelded to them. if I did desire it. rather then I should take any harm or be the worse for it. yet or I did not desire that should worke so much [to them] upon my weeknesse to draw my father to what they list I did not desire they should through my weaknes have my father stoope to them. which I the rather beleeve they looked for because I heard he or his friends should say I loved him not. but I was glad this was the worst they could say against me, considering to many faulsely accuse or defame to the contrary those which they cannot obtaine likewise many for my sake spake against him. but I said litle or nothing wherefore they thought I still loved him; but \yet/ I held my tongue because * and also because of some observations of things which fell out I thought it might be and at last I was afeared lest it should not be desiring it I thought it was thy doeing.* The cause why I love him so much, was by reason of the commendations which some gave of him: whereby I apprehended \to be/ in him more then I found but I thought he reserved himselfe because his frindes was more precise then mine was. and indeed I thought that the maine points of Religion was not to be \a/ hindered (or refussed) by standing upon ceremony which are things indifferent. therefore I left them alone not meddeling with them or speaking of them to him. for this cause he being close to me, and I not perceiving that in him which I expected. weakened my affections. (I confesse I saw more aparent showes of good in those which cam to me which had but I suppose my father thought him to be of an easey disposition and that he would be kind to me thought I had rather he had had more wisdom to have governed himselfe for ill company wrough to much upon him Noble* devine spirits. which I found to be more agreable to mine. though my father thought \them/ not so fit for me in some repectes as others which was neere wh\o/se mothers and frinds made more sut for me then I thought themselves could tell how to show, but I hated to be in subjection to any one of a meane capacity, but rather liked of those whose love and vertu pleaded for themselves. I not caring so much for estate, neither did some of them stand for /po[r]tion\ much with me. who might have had farr more then I was likly to have (I therefore \desire/ of \thee my/ God that they which remaine alive may never faile of that vertue and good which they sought for in mee) yet they saw my father was not inclinable to them (being perswaded by others) and "though I suppose he would have bine willing if I had much desired, but I loved to be free in a single life I thought it not my part to seeke" though I liked them best. besids \m[y]/ mind desired to be free in a single life, therefore I avoided all that and [of]opertunities of love [eac]h of those \and of/ whom I never saw nor hard any evill of, that I might the better injoy him who is the God of all spirits,) And though at the first breking off it much troubled me, yet I was the better pasified (it being at that time) to think that I might the more live unto him \Christ/ which died for me, yet being tempted besids which I could not hid*, so that one which cam to see us told my sister as if she thought I would goe besids my selfe. because she saw my lippes goe to my selfe for I called upon thee many times in my great detresse but my sister said she had better hope then so knowing what I ailed, and being confident that thou Lord /wouldest\ never leave thy servants which put there trust in thee, for thou hast never failed them that seeke thee \psal 9.10/ but I must needs confesse I was very low; and should have bine worse if I had not remembered that I trusted in thee. and desired in my strongest \love/ to him rather then I should offende thee in loving him to much to offend thee or better then that that I might not have him;