as wee cannot enlighten our
selves so wee cannot satisfie our selves but in thy light O Lord shall wee
see light. psa 36.9
[S] Aust
what shall I say in these cases.
when the soule is not capable or refuseth to
be comforted. when it is so wholy darkned that she cannot deserne the light
neither it have any unlesse it be the first enlightened by thee which art the
light thereof, who when the confused chaos of this world was, said. Let there
be light and there was light. O light so lighten my darknes. that being
illuminated I may deserne those things which of thee, that cleaving to thee I
may walke in thy light, and be still pleased to say unto my soule that thou
art my salvation,
And when satan could not overcome me but that I utterly
hated all rebellious and blasfemus thoughts against my maker; yet then he
would tempt me to curse my owne father. this also I
utterly hated. for I not
onely knew that by the Law of God it deserved death. \Exo 21.17/ but also that
my fathers deserts was farr from any ill on my part.
Thou Lord I trust wilt
reward him for his tender dealing (or affection) towards /with\ me in the
resurrection of the just. many times after this I was tempted to curse /and
wish evill to\ my selfe. I confesse to my too much
[yeelding] not that I said
it, but that I did not resist the thoughts or temtations of it so much as I
should have done
yee\l/ding
to this whereby
it appeared that I loved my frinds better then my selfe. but when /after\ I
considered I thought I had little cause to yeeld to this for I was ill enough
already. and I suppose it was the longer before I could gett of it because I
had not so much hart to resist for my owne good. at last a verse (of
[mr quarleses](QP1)
) came /often\ in my mind, wee
must love the building for the builders sake66.
therefore I thought I had not
so much cause to neglect
soule or bodymy selfe
as my weaknesse would have
yealed unto. And now not onely my
externall parts was troubled. but also thereby my externall was weakned. for
my soule being the
and though somtimes I was
stirred to [praise] thee for gifts of nature and
others, yet still to often I was proud [of] them though now I had lesse cause
and of those rages of my shame which tho-ugh [cosly] cam short
of naturall indowment. but since I had rather they had [bin] [plainer] that
I [had] not offended thee. yet pardon the abuse of that gifte.
life and vigour
of my body. had not that strength to make me a peare so
lively and freash as before, when thou correctest man for sinne \and excesses/
thou wakest his beauty to vanish etc and as if \my/ misery had it selfe had
not bine enough. I agmented it being often ready to relent with the thoughts
of what I had endured whereby my foolish h\e/art was weakened, but it had bine
better and it may \be/ I had bine sooner well if I had then rather relented
for my sinnes, for corrections are for our amendment and benefit, and taking
this effect. the rememberance /of them\. ought to make me rejoyce because they
are of thy love. but I was cast downe with the sence of my misery and I
thought
I had endured all mane\r/ of temptations. but impurity (which since I have
bene
tempted to) and to make away my selfe, as my sister
was tempted to make an end
of a miserable life having so much illnes of mind and body as she had, and as
\she/ confessed to me she was tempted to make me away sleeping by her. yet she
said through thy grace my God which kept her from it. that she laid aside
those things whereby she might (divers times) have done evill. therefore not
onely my life was preserved but also her owne soule through thy goodnesse. and
as \she/ confessed to me she found much comfort in my
Brother who I beleeve was
not free from the suggestions of satan but being a man had more strenght and
learning to withstand them and to comfort her. and being most inward with him
for she would tell me she was most like him. and that she loved him better
then
she did me. but I said I was contented she should. I knew she loved me well
too,
and my selfe loved her*