I return to exammination of my selfe. The time of the \yere/ coming about in which my Sister died I was the more mindfull of her. and tho I had somtimes passified my selfe with thinking she was out of her misery in joy. and had lernt that it was the best way. to bare patiently and cheere up my selfe for those crosses which I could not avoid. yet I found that the too strict bond of nature of humane conversation. (espetially with naturall affection) to be prejudiciall to that soule which cleveth to thee: a conceit came into my mind which feed my malancolly humer that I might die at the same and that I might lie by her but these thoughts by the fullnes of thy goodnes vanished out of my hart. [S Austen B9 c11] time or day of the yere that she did. at the very same day or night ensuing I was so ill that I could not rest but walked to ease my selfe in the night. the next day I was better. but shortly after a paine in my side tooke me that I was hardly able to goe or stand being faint to goe to bed. where I had more ease, presently after; And now Lord thou correctedst me. and I received instruction. my flesh being fearfull I blamed my selfe considering that death should not be desired out of naturall affection or human respect but to be with thee; otherwise it is more rashnes then judgment (for by this meanes we might hinder ourselves of much good which may be also I considered I had not done so much good nor my afflictions was any waye comparable to my mothers and [ Sisters] to enter into such joy and now my [great] hope was to live longer to doe thee more service my God which might be the better for my selfe also to thy glory. and our greater benefit hereafter) for else whosoever prefereth father or mother. Brother or Sister before thee is not worthy of thee \Mat 10.37. Luk 14.25/ I finding my one /selfe\ nature either to exceede to much in naturall affection. or else to decline for that duty which I owe. My God I desire not to love any but in thee. and for thee. in thee as they are good. for thee as thou hast commanded us to love one another. I remember my mothers words, who somtimes wished me I should not be too curious. I now seeing the vanity of it. and coveteousnesse for things of this life. by this time endevered to turne my curiosity to make my soule more pure. and my coveteousnesse to covet spirituall things. \I cor 14.1/ and \to/ and I \now/ wished for thy sake my God that I might be helpfull to the poore and the [sin]ner considering the shortnas of life and the good there praiers might doe me while I lived withall considering the number that want and those that have abundance yet want Charity to give it tho a very [onable matter] would goe a great way to the [udo]ing of many a poore soule if it be saved as I thought to doe out of prid of apparell. and now I was the more thankfull to thee my God [recieving] it with the more comfort because I took it as thy blessing which maketh rich or thou adest no sorrow with it ever being by the death of my frinds [illeg.] lay up treasure in heaven and Mat 6.20 and now \[to know]/ I was resolved if my father offered me againe more meanes* to take it. and not to refuse it as it /as\ I did in a maner a while after my Sister died then thinking how poore a matter wealth was in respect of her to me. and that it was past my helping of her with it. for I should the more gladly heretofore have tooke it that I might have made her pertaker of the more with me. but now alate she said these things of the world troubled her not as heretofore they did the more by the instigation of some others. for tho we had not \much/ yet wee had enough to be content) and tho now of late when my father offered me monie. I told him I did not desire much \now/* . yet for all this he dealt with me after a more bountifull maner then I expected which I was the willinger to receive, considering I might be the more helpefull to the poore in there nessessity for corne that yere was very deare. therefore I purposed according to that abillity which thou gavest me to relive the poore. calling to mind the 9 chapter of S paul in the 2 booke of the corin- that not only there necessitie may be supplied. but that thankes /praise\ may be given to thee our God. and our selves bettered by there prayers for us. Thankes therefore be unto thee for thy unspeakable gift. consining my desire in inventing things to worke and other worldy businesses. for thou fearest me as no. thou dost with dreames of the night as also dolfull soules. have made me sad. whereby I feared the death of my frindes and selfe. but I recieved instruction in thy word against this feare. and now I have found a salve in this place Ecc. v.6 in the multitude of dreams and vanities are many words but feare thou God I thoughts (thus) upon many things. but verely one is /was\ needfull. I /then\ thought of those things by which I feared my death. and others which in themselves I thought was vaine. yet the meditation of death is to be imbraced conserning the profit that might thereof arise. I found my selfe unwilling after a sort to die but whether to live or die I know not which were best for me. therefore I resigned my selfe wholy into thy hands which hast redeemed me.stedfastly beleeving thou wouldest doe out of thy wise providence for the best. but I thought with my selfe why I should be afeards to die. I found because I was not prepared. neither had I done so much good. whereby I would glorifie thee my God. which hast promised so much to them that love thee. I was angry with my selfe that I should be so loth to goe to thee. considering thy \those/ Blessed Saints have desired to be desolved to be with thee. I found if I was prepared I should be willing with joy to render my selfe into thy hands. herein I purposed to prepare my selfe with my whole hart and soule in all my actions. which hast promised that where our treasure is there our harts should be also \Mat 6.25/ in these thoughts I found wonderfull contentment even then. and I thought would be farr more and \[or]/ better in preparing my selfe to die. and to but how commeth this to [me] to think of these things surely thou saidest seeke the my face. and my hart aswered thy face lord I will seeke psa 27.8 I will behold thy face in righteousnes and when I awake I shall be satisfied with thine image psa 17.15 meditate of thee the Cheefest treasure in whom all good consists. then thought I of these confessions that having done what I could I might arive at after the sea of this troublesome world the desired haven where I would be. In whose presents is fullnes of joy. and at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore \psa 16.18/