also some talking on the Lammetation of them who loved me to whom it was not in my power to requit with the same some also speaking or blaming mee as if there death were hastened by it. this also troubled me* for I did not desire any should be the worse for me. but had rather to bare the more my selfe then to give offence to any. Yet this could not altogether be for by the sight of two I thought they were not so long lived. by some obervation of there nature I thought if I were bent to marry it would not be so well for me to set my mind \love/ upon one of short continuance. I confesse som hurt it might be to them though there was farr greater causes I suppose of there death. yet only two \one/ which I thought was somthing led with passion \for/ yet I conceived there was not so much strength of beauty in me to make them much ill for my sake. though care and grife tooke place for feare I had offended them it troubled me [shorthand?] came. and after I was sorry when they were dead. thinking they might be the worse for taking unkindnesse at my carriage. and it was to late to make amends. I confesse theses thoughts did me much harm I received comfort out of a Booke my Brother gave me when he went beiond sea called the cure of cares . also Lord thou instructed me, and I thought if my offence had bine so great as the prophet Davids when he commited Murther. yet he craved pardon of thee and was forgiven, for he said against thee onely have I sinned. I therefore craved pardon of thee wherein I had offended thy Creatures. for I saw if those \thoughts/ continued or increased they might be a meanes of shortening my owne life, and so I should have the more to answere for my fault being the greater: I therefor craved pardon of thee of that which was past: which I beleeved thou forgavest and I resolved not to thinke on but :and to take the better heede for the time to come to trust in thy mercie: and to put all vaine thoughts and those which I could not helpe out of my head. seeing that they not onely did my selfe hurt but also I thought of 5 [psalm] \3.9/ whosoever is borne of God sinneth not. therefore I hoped thou wouldest not impute these temtations to me being so farr from my mind: thereby offended thee: also my old enimie would have had the thought that I was not yet in thy favour for so much yeelding to his temtations against thee. yet I thought of thy mercie to the man that was possest who was carried of the devill so those strong temtations as with force and violence prevaled with my frailty to yeeld which I hoped thou wouldest not impute to me as being in maner not \of/ my selfe because they were so odious unto me and I confesse I was so much dejected for my owne faults being disinabled to performe good. had I not remembered thy word to Ezekiel \18.22/ that when the wicked shall turne from hi[s] sinnes and doe that which is lawfull /good\ and right* they shall no more be remembered and for she said I read to her being ill which she would requite me with two or three volumes which Mrs Alce comended and her Granmother lent [my s some] * I take this to be in a yeare or two following. * also I found great comfort in Doctor Prestons sermons which my Sister read to me. the texts was in Genesis \17.[1]/ where it is said that thou \[illeg]/ art God all sufficient. therefore he shewed that the cause of all our evills is from distrust in thee: and of Abrahams commendations who beleeved: I therefore indevered to thrust forth all unessecary thoughts and cares wherein I found hurt and wholy to trust in thee. great peace and strength I found in thus doeing.

at this time and oftenI have found in my Brothers absences Doctor Halls words good. true love to be I passed the time with the more comfort passifing my selfe with reading of Mr Cowpers booke of St [P to the] Rom. and I sometimes recreated my selfe with playeing on the verginalls and though I had no great skill yet it gave my selfe content or helpe to keepe me in the better time as my singing did \me/ which pleased my sister [to] like a strong streme which the further it is from the head runs with the more violence.⁷³ and I thought I had in my selfe being eldest a motherly affection towards him. and my Sisters love I suppose was no lesse. who told me often that her strength of love to her friends did her hurt especialy to my Brother. whom wee often talked of a nights. and our praiers and desirs was to thee for him and for his safe returne. which I had a good confidence of trusting in thee: being the better assured* because of his owne hope in thee. which he testified to me by his letter. therefore wee spent the time with the more cheerefullnes (somtimes riding abroad) at this time thou gavest me so much understanding that or I thought I ought not to desire any thing But what with being much taken with it" to love so much as I did desire for the love of Christ passeth all knowledge and wee are rich in him \[Epe 15]/ saith S paul I esteemed to know nothing but Jesus Christ and him crucified thy love O father is manifested in him. who hath made us excepted in thy beloved [Epe. 1.6] [three dots] inheritorI desired nothing but what might be to thy glory. yet could I not apprehend so much as I did desire to doe. Gods unspeakable love to wards us in Christ. and the benifet of our Baptisme before wee came to yeeres of descretion. since I began to write unto thee I have considered: thou Lord hast given /prepared\ an heritage to those that feare thy Name. psa [61.5] they which were witnesses for me at my Baptisme promissed that I should be taught all things which a Christian woman ought to know for her soules health. which my parents afterwards was carfull to performe: giving me such good education that after my admitance into the Church by Baptisme. that when I cam to yeeres descrection I might be fitted to receive the Blessed Sacrament of the Lords Supper for my Spirituall growth therein: Now calling to mind wherein the Sacrament of my Baptisme. [may] be beneficiall to me by those who answered for me. I think of that saying doe this and live. that thereby performing those thing which those hast injoynded they having Answered for me. I might be an [three dots] of that Kingdome which thy Christ hath purchased for us. or like a guardian who for the good of the infant doth take upon him that he shall perform such duties which shalbe best for him when he should com to age. even as a father who hath bought an inheritance for his sonne. and doth give him such breeding that in time to come he might be fitted for it. provided that he performe some duties to settle his estate when he should come to age. or that he may lawfully lay claime to it against any that would oppose him. but if he should lose his land for not performing those duties injoyned him or for not claiming it. what foole may he be counted? Heb 10.29 35much more shall wee be blamed if wee neglect our heavenly inheritance. which hath such recompence of reward. I call to mind the 32 verse for as I told my b I thought I was the more tried for much knowledge yet did I not wish lesse contrary to the minde of those that say it is not good for a woman to be too Bookish for if I had not had knowledge especially of thy word I had perished in my affliction. pasl 119.92 Thy testimonies (Lord) have I claimed as mine heritage for ever, and why: they are the very joy of my heart. I have applied my heart to fulfill thy Statutes alway even to the end. psal 119.