Now I having peace of mind walked much more then afore I was ill, and the rather to ridd away the pain of my thigh which still I had somtimes a little and to get me heat because of the extraordinary cold of my feet in the winters gru\g/ing of | \as I take it/ In this time my Sister telling me the severall and through the perfection of my mind. I had now more strength in my countinance or beauty restored to me/which some confessed opinion of divers con-serning me, which for the most part she thought was in the wrong. immagining why I did not Marry. and some said I would not marry because I loved one so dearly who died. but I said if they thinke so let them think so still. because I thought it was the favourablest opinion they could have of me. for I thought they could not apprehend or beleeve me if I could well tell how to reveille my selfe to them other wise what I thought. some thought I was perswaded by some about me. others that I was proud or mellancolly, or for dislike of it refused, which I did not. knowing that it was Gods ordinance and therefore good. neither was it that I disdained to be in subjection. nor was it mellancolly which doth come of discontent. for if it hath bine so I might have changed thinking to have bettered my selfe. but it was rather that contrairy having that true content. which I thought the world could not give. besides my nature was not so easy to be wrought upon. neither cared I much what people thought or said of me. I onely desire that others might not be in fault because of me. or have so much to answere for as there misopinion or the next yere after \[or?]/ this fearing I had or should offend them in withstanding my fathers will which then I did not think my selfe absolut without. therefore I thought if my father did then ernestly move me to it againe and I found no inconvenience and heard no ill against the party to yeeld to wit if so thou wouldest have it but it fell out not altogether thus report of me. and though my Sister out of her love told me. what some said which I lettle cared to heare (for for the most part many were more intimate with her then with me) yet this use I made of it to examine my selfe whether I was any waies gilty of that they said of me. that I might mend my selfe before thee my God whom I most feared. and so that my waies were acceptable before thee I cared not how I was esteemed of by others. also thinking of the event of things I thought whether I had done well or ill. in desireing of thee my God that Now somtimes I was fo\o/lishly troubled with what I should doe I for feare I should marry (in age) because some said that I would for \[I?]/ my selfe said I had no mind not absolutly saying I will not because I knew it was not in my owne power but thine. also methought thou questionest with me seeing I loved this single life so dearly. if I would referr my selfe to thee to marry or not my cheefest reason was for thy sake. therefore good cause I thought I ought to trust in thee to doe what thou wouldest though still to show that mind which thou gavest me. I might not marry.* yet did I not as my father or some thought I did privatly vow that I would not. for I knew if I did I might have broken it not being in my fathers hearing that he might have allowed of it. \[num] 30./ besides I was jealous /of my owne\ weaknes. lest I should vow and perform and so sin. for \I/ did not thinke this vow lawfull or available to take upon me. or to say in this kind what I would doe hereafter for I know it is not in the power of the mortals to say or determine what shall come to passe for it is onely in the power of the most high. and thought I now I thought it a hard matter to withstand my fathers desire and hearin I thought not my will absalute without his neither. would I be rebellious therefore \presantly/ *and craved pardon of thee my God wherein I had offended in apointing what life I would lead. and not resingeing my selfe wholy to thee to lead what life thou wouldest I thought to bend my owne mind to my fathers. yet herein I percieved I went against my owne naturall inclination. which would be some trouble to me: as I found then beginning when I thought it. Besides I knew my fathers intention of Marriage of me was for my good. yet seeing I could not safely alter my mind. I was forced to withstand which since I put my whole trust in thee to deale with how thou wouldest giving my whole selfe to thee knowing that thou wouldest doe for the best. and that would be most pleasent with [m]ee since I injoyed that true content without feare his desire. knowing that he would not doe any thinge for my hurt since I considered my desire or wish was more then a vow. for I might have vowed and not performed But God having heard my desire alwaies when I would doe any thing and douted whether I should or no perform it being assured that it was good. I desired of God that I might doe it. and though I thought it unlawfull to vow. yet I thought it lawfull to desire that if it might be granted or if a single life migh be more acceptable to thee that I might lead it. which I asked. it may be performed whether I will or not. and had my owne desire. for which I praise thee. and for thy mercies towards me in giving me no cause to repent in that I lead a single life, having that freenesse of joy in thee which heretofore I had when I did de-sire it. though I have thought not in the strength or heat as when I was younger. yet Lord thou \hast/ fully recompenced the desires of my youth in inlarging my understanding in good things now. Since I have found S Aust words thus. I know thee O Lord God who knowest me⁷⁵ \heb 11.10.14/ \psal 122.6 the joy /re\joyceing my youth, and the good sustaining mine age. med.c 32 and tho some said that if* I married I might doe more good in the commonwealth yet if I doe not I hope I shall not prove an unprofitable member therof. and my disires and praiers, shalbe for the good and wellfare of it.*