the 24 yeare Now I thought I was much the better by reason my father troubled me not with speaking to me of Marriage and I now resolved if he or any other should aske me to stand [out] fearing I had offended in yeelding too soone afore (I found great (or strenght comfort in this resolution) considering what I had desired of thee. now I began to mend a pace. and as I take it by this time I had learned to reply more swiftly to those asalts of satan for afore my most useuall word was Lord helpe me. after som pa[ir]se I received comfort and instruction in the book of the [soules] conj[un]tion with God which my mother had used. and which Mrs Alce read to me useing those words of our Saviour. avoide Satan \Mat 4.10/ the Lord rebuke thee o satan. \Zecha 3.2/ and not to pause or parlie with him. this way I found to be most safe and my enemie soonest quell. yet many or yeres to the 29 or 30 which was some earthly thing wherein was no hurt. that I desired might fall out, as a signe, herein I think is amisse in that I temted desiring a signe. and that I might doe \that/ to avoid evill and not good withal resigning my selfe to thy mercy and goodnesse which I think best and most secure many times when afor it fel not out as I would I was the more discontented and at last this was faint to be my refuge to trust in thee which I had bin better to have don at first *times after this being tempted I feelt a touch of my owne weaknesse. desiring that thou wouldest give me this or that signe of my deliverance or that those things which I feared might not come. which since I have called to mind. I have found the danger more then then I thought it. for \and/ when I found by my selfe that danger that I deserved wrath I then desired that I might doe this or that good. thinking thereby to make amends. that my sin might not be imputed to me. not considering that doe all what I could. yet was but an unprofitable servant. and that it was but my duty so to doe. \Luke 17.0[]/ I confess fear moved me to doe this dreading thy wrath O Lord and that I might have thy favour which I esteemed above all, yet what was this but as the Children of Israll. who limited the Holy one and entered not into his rest. considering the horror of this offence. I was streeten back againe: but that thy sonne thy only sonne who was ledd as a lambe to the slaughter doth mediate for mee. herein wee have found more by the second Adam then wee lost by the first. then wee might fall: but now whosoever beleeveth in the sonne of God shall not persih, but have everlasting life: \John [3].16/ In whom I suppose divers have found this refuge in there distres David saith I should have fainted 'yere' deleted before 'fainted'. but that I beleeved to see the goodnesse of the Lord in the land of the living psa 2 7. psa 145.9 though I beleeve yet Lord helpe my unbeliefe. And let me trust to thy goodnesse. and thy mercie. which is over all thy workes. and not to the broken reed of my own designes. but to thy wisdome which art able to doe exceeding abundantly above all that wee aske or thinke: Eph 3.20

This feare doth make me call to mind that when I was about 12 years of age my mother telling me that S Austin saith wee might despare of our selves had not the sonne of God taken our flesh Con C [44.Bvi] the godly should suffer punishment for there sinns in this life. I weept much fearing what I might undergoe for my sinns thinking a fore that if they were long past and I sorry for them they should be no more remembered. not calling to mind thy great mercie in suffering us to scapt with a many times we think not of what we have done to be sorry for it till God doth correct temporall punishment. and not remembering thy gratious promisses to them that keepe thy Law. I then feared a temporall punishment. but now thou hast given me a more filial even a feare to offend thee my Gratious Father. and to love thee not only out of feare, but or upholding my selfe with thy gracious [life] for thy owne sake. which art perfitly good and holy. and for those many deliverance thou hast shewed mee and will trust in thee or [pray] unto thee by praire Hosea 11 by which thou hast bound me to thee as with the bands of love. and as for afflictions I have referred my selfe to thee and hadest and hast under the shadow of thy winges shalbe my refuge psal 90

Now many times also I had a weaknes in my rist which I thought was for want of labour I used milk which I thought did me some good. I had paine in my right thigh. which I thought was like the paine or griping of the wind collicke so that I feared I should be lame (and that I should be faint to goe to the Bathe [and] I thought Lord it was thy about this time the very day or time was a pointed for one to [come] [to bene suiter] to mee but failed and came not at all I had my desire after thus I trusted in thee just iudgment on me for yielding and not striving so much as I should have done a gainst Satans temtations in my goeing. (and for want of exercise) being in my closet one day I found a glasse which when I had opened. I thought it to be by the smell oiles of